My hometown throwdown and the ‘sis-tervention’ I didn’t know I needed
I'm a big believer in the body's ability to send us signs and that our illnesses are a result of our stored and unresolved emotional "stuff".
This has been something I’ve noticed to be true more and more as I’ve learnt to TRUST my intuition.
Case in point: as soon as I arrived back in Australia for a working holiday, I caught a lurgy which lasted two whole weeks.
I hadn’t really wanted to leave Bali and it was secretly because I was scared I wouldn't be able to continue to hold all that I do without my usual support structure being available to me.
My body started repelling the idea even as I was packing my bags.
Almost as soon as we touched down, I lost my voice, I felt utterly exhausted and I had very little movement in my neck.
My stories, beliefs and unprocessed emotions about feeling unsupported manifested in getting quite unwell.
This was coupled with nursing a toddler who was also experiencing all the feels for the changes and disruptions to her life (she's such a trooper and takes it so well, but she's still human!)
Prior to our trip, I'd been busy focusing on the launch of Okumé and the new business I'd just purchased. I was so wrapped up with work I’d swept some unresolved personal stuff under the carpet.
I’m someone who tends to get hyper-focused when I’m passionate about something but always know I can "deal" with anything else that needs attention when I have the space (or when my body DEMANDS it).
And so while I was feeling unwell, I had no choice but to slow down and rest and of course, I was met with all the stuff I hadn't been dealing with--mostly feelings of loneliness, feelings of being an outsider and feeling like I was supposed to ‘choose’ between being a mum or being a business woman.
These were all unconscious emotions I didn't even know I was experiencing.
And so the unravelling began and with that has come so much clarity and awareness.
The feelings of push and pull around motherhood and business are so real for me. Being back in Oz has shone a big spotlight on this in ways I couldn't even fathom.
My sister called me out and said "you can do both at the same time, so Ari can witness you in your element, that's healthy for her too."
That hit me like a tonne of bricks.
Being up north, with ZERO support was scary AF.
Managing four businesses and working in TWO of them is scary when you have so little time to do things.
I’ve had to lean on my teams SO MUCH MORE than I ever have.
It’s been a good exercise in surrender.
But there was also a little upside...I realised this is what I didn't get to do when I first had Ariana 2.5 years ago.
As soon as she was born I was still working like a MOFO, waking at 3am to work and then doing the full day and evenings with her too. No break, just constantly "on".
I look back now and shake my head at my old self!
And it took being back in the town where this all happened to make me realise how much our nervous system remembers.
Our bodies always keep the score.
This is why I had been so scared of coming back.
And yet, times are different now. We have an INCREDIBLE team who support me in ways I only once dreamed of and they have it all covered.
I can finally have the maternity leave I always wanted whilst getting away with 1-2 hours of work per day (my human design is Generator after all lol).
Nothing is "breaking".
Everything is "getting done".
It’s kinda miraculous.
And because I've been grinding for the last 20 years, I just keep going, no time to smell the roses!
So as I'm working my way through all of this, another brick hits me...hard…
This life I'm living? It's EXACTLY what I had written down some 15 years ago.
Living between countries, with my kids, speaking multiple languages, being exposed to different cultures and doing life and business as I please--changing my schedule whenever, however and for no other reason because I can.
Aka my dream life.
And I'm living it RIGHT NOW.
Don’t get me wrong, it's been far from unicorns and rainbows; there've been many hail storms and hurricanes in between it all. And yet, here we are!!
Life keeps showing me that when I do what's right for me, follow my intuition and shut out the noise everything always falls into place, even when it may not feel or seem like it in the moment.
Even if it's not how I had planned it.
Even if I’m getting maternity leave now instead of two years ago.
That's my big takeaway just 2.5 weeks into our trip.
Who knows what other epiphanies I’ll have while I’m here.
And I might not have to wait too long because I’ll soon be needing to make decisions again about our movements and what that means for us for the rest of the year.
Currently confirming a few bits and pieces but I'll be sharing everything as soon as it’s locked in so stay tuned!
This weekend was the first time since being in Australia where I got to FULLY decompress, where I did no work, where I didn’t madly try to follow up on everything or try to cram stuff in.
I let myself nap with Ari, I fell asleep with her and we stayed longer than planned.
My nervous system is learning it's safe to be, to live, to laugh and to play without having to give everything up.
The rewiring is in progress…
And I know exactly what’s in store for me in 2024….rest and recovery.
For the first time in my life, it feels good to own and claim that.
Coco xo
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